Coils, cords and plugs.

This has been a learning experience. Apparently, my new (to-me) car of only one year has some issues...

Your spark plugs need to be replaced.

Sure. I mean, we just put new ones in last November, but sure!

The boots that they sit in, yeah- those too are ripped.

Wait, what? They wear boots? Oh, they sit in coils that you just call "boots!" Kind of like how I call my dog "munchkin," even though his name is clearly Harry and it really annoys everyone else and only seems cute to me.

We need to replace all the boots.

All of them? I have no boots? Do I have any moccasins at least? How did this massive-scale failure happen??!?

Well, we know that we need to replace two of them. We're recommending that you replace all four.

Why, praytell?

Cause you'll need to replace them anyway eventually.

Great! Well, while we're at it, I'm gonna have all my teeth pulled (might rot) and go get a prosthetic knee thrown in for good measure (never know when the real one might blow!).

[Silence.] Just so you know, we mechanics don't recognize "satire."

Is that like not having a pituitary gland? No really, please only replace what you have to. Just as a rule of thumb with my car, in general, only replace what you have to. It's just easier that way. For you. For me. (And then I can do the rest when my Pappa comes home from vacation for only $20 in parts and an afternoon spent in his garage!) But really, it's just easier.

Alright ma'am.

Also, just so you know-- if you charge me more than 500 bones, I will pee in your 7-11 Big Gulp. Consider yourself warned.

I reject your meeting on principle!

Fantasy...

-----Original Appointment-----
From: K-blogger
Sent: Tuesday, May 14, 2007 3:44 PM
To: M
Subject: Declined: Design Direction Meeting
When: Monday, June 21, 2007 Insane, Ungodly time of 6:00 PM-8:00 PM
Where: Ugly Flourescent Boardroom

HA! I decline your invite and reject your meeting on principle!! As you digest this shocking anouncement, let me spend a minute or two dissecting my rationale for this earth-shattering decision.

Nobody likes meetings that start at 6pm. Nobody likes meetings that run till 8pm. Nobody likes people that schedule meetings that either start at 6pm or run till 8pm. The only activities that should take place between these sacred hours are relaxing, eating, being served delicious drinks by tanned men on beaches as white as ice, laughing, and possibly cuddling.

June 21st is the summer solstice. I'm going to let this one slide, as I'm sure you were raised in a Christian bubble and choose to forget the millenia of existence prior to the birth of your HRH Jesus. As such, you likely have never fully appreciated the day that was once, likely the most celebrated day of the lunar year. Even the crickets do a special dance on the solstice. (Watch them one time-- You won't be disappointed!) The very last thing any living being would want to do on this special day is sit in a box with stale air, flourescent lights, and warm diet coke.

Lastly, and please pay special attention to this point:

YOU. ARE. LAYING. ME. OFF. ON. JUNE. 8TH.

Also, can I just say that your smiley-faces always look constipated when you put a space between the eyes and the frown. Have to say though, it's always seemed somewhat fitting.

Ciao, sucker.

k


and reality...


-----Original Appointment-----
From: K-blogger
Sent: Tuesday, May 14, 2007 3:44 PM
To: M
Subject: Declined: Design Direction Meeting
When: Monday, June 21, 2007 Insane, Ungodly time of 6:00 PM-8:00 PM
Where: Ugly Flourescent Boardroom

Won't be here, sorry.

K

for people who only want their information via blogs (and you know who you are)

Below is a list of some of the songs that have loomed large in my legend. I have been working on this list for about two days, scribbling the titles on an old Target receipt in my purse. (So, a lot of thought went into this-- two whole days worth!!)

They are not obscure songs that will subtly inform you of the depth and uniqueness of my personality- they are really just some songs that I ran into, mostly through being fortunate to be around others who practice a more proactive appreciation of music than I do. And yes, I know this has nothing to do with my job search, present ennui, or looming unemployment, but so is life!

*Note: there is a particular order to the list, and it would be known as chaos. You're on your own.

• all mixed up - red house painters
• broken social scene - lovers' spit
• I wish you were here - pink floyd
• no woman no cry - bob marley and the wailers
• unison - bjork
• tiny dancer - elton john
• track #4 - sigur ros on that ( ) album
• I've made enough friends - the wrens
• joga - bjork
• the cure - plainsong
• over the hills and far away - led zeppelin
• new order - bizarre love triangle
• the road leads where it's lead - the secret machines
• annagramma - sonic youth
• infinitely gentle blows - scott hardkiss
• up on the roof - the platters
• maybe - janis joplin
• I wish I was the moon - neko case
• no need to worry - folk implosion (delux!)
• let down - radiohead

Okay, after spontaneously adding three more I'm closing the door! Post... post!

oh, the fog

So, yesterday when I finally got into the office after running these letters out to the chairman of our board out by the ol' hortense house, M immediately called me into a meeting. I walked in and the HR intern was there-- which was weird, but she's a really nice girl, so I didn't really care. M them proceeded to explain that because of the budget issues, they were going to lay me off (she stressed not for performance issues at all)... but not now... not in the coming weeks... on June 8th. Two days exactly after this big event I've been planning for the program that's on June 6th. Though she said that they wanted to give me "as much notice as possible," they also really just wanted to try to get me to stay until then. So they offered me a severance package/ aka bait: they are going to give me a week's pay if I stay until June 8th... as M put it, "then it could be a win-win!" ? It was such a bizarre mix of being more professional than I thought they'd be (I was sure they'd be striging me along until a day after the big event) and being incredibly unprofessional (when has a severance package ever been a "win-win" ... really??)

I seriously said nothing the whole meeting aside from asking more details about the severance package. It's not binding or anything-- so I could leave at anytime if I found something and then I just wouldn't get the extra week's pay, a real "win" for hoeppel. but, despite how much I want to find a new job asap and leave her to rot in her own mess over here, if I can't find anything by then-- for sure I will stay around, suck it up, and take the money- duh (and drastically lesser "win"). The urge to want to see her drown in this ship is soooo great. Almost as good a motivator for job searching as actually having confidence about your capabilities, of which I might be able to pretend after this whole ordeal.

Even weirder, she told me I could take the rest of the day off if I liked... considerate. So I got a few things done and went to a meeting that I had arranged and then left. Before I left she hopped into my office and was like, "so, how are you holding up? you doing okay?"

I was so stunned that she would even ask such a stupid question I just looked at her blankly. after bringing me onto a sinking ship and convincing me that "she was confident we'd bring in the funding!" when she knew we were already about 100K behind with no prospects, I am thrown overboard.

"I'm fine." And really happy I'm not retarded like you??

Then again this morning when she sauntered in at 9:40am, "Hieee! So, (concerned eyes) how're you holding up?"

Today, I was more resolute: I looked her square in the face with my cold, disenchanted eyes, and said like one would say an order that they had to repeat forteen times at a crowded deli at lunchtime: "I am fine."

For the benefit of us all and so that we don't need to do this sick dance every morning from now till June 8th: I am fine. I am professional. I say I will do something, I will do it. I am not like her, or this place. This, if anything, she will freakin' understand by the time I leave.
Alrighty, so I'm going to go back to doing work without worry or consequence. It's almost freeing in a way! and in parting, I will leave my horoscope for this week:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I drove through a cloud today. It enveloped theGolden Gate Bridge. When I left the lush green hills of Marin County, theday was sunny. When I arrived in the lush urban mesh of San Francisco,the day was sunny. But in between I crept through thick white haze. Icould barely see, and had to turn on my headlights and slow down. Butthere was no danger. I didn't erupt with anxiety. And in a few minutes Ihad moved through it. Let my experience serve as a metaphor for yourweek, Leo. It's like you've just gotten on a passageway that will take youfrom a soft lushness to a harder lushness, and on the way you'll have tonavigate almost blindly.

Thank you Mr. Bob Brezney, who almost always gives me a few of these really poignant ones when I really, badly need them.

I've been deactivated!?!

So, after finally starting a facebook page for myself (and actually getting to the point where I appreciated its convenience for putting me back in touch with my old friends and peeps) they go and erase me from their files! I went to login today, and it started creating a new account for me-- using the same login and password that I used just last night to log on with. bahhH!

Is there anything worse on a cold, SNOWY April morning than being erased? This day's shot. I want a refund.

your taskpad currently holds 1995 tasks

Let's be adults here. Let's take control of our sentimental attachments to Microsoft Outlook for once, and awaken the Sleeping Beauty otherwise known as Logic. The only way this system can be considered to be "productive" is if your definition of productivity involves trying to do the least amount of actual, god-fearing work over the most amount of time. (I know mine does!) But, your opinion on these matters is besides the point, becuase I'm here to inform you that of the many ways that your system sucks in the outside world known as REALITY.

1) On average, the hobbled hamster that is your mind is capable of completing four tasks per day. Note, updating your taskpad is counted as one of these four.

2) You have 16 tasks assigned to today and 24 assigned to tomorrow. Tomorrow is a Friday. Keep in mind that on Fridays you work from home until 11am and then cheerfully "sign off" to go pet your puppy for the remainder of the day.

3) There are 263 tasks marked "URGENT," one of which is dated 9/22/2005. I am not making this up.

4) "Call Mom, etc. in FL to wish Happy Easter" is due this Sunday.... don't forget!

So, I say to you-- Enough. Use a calendar or notepad or something else that you see all the rest of us using. Remember, this isn't performance art. A taskpad is supposed to enable you to get more done--it has a purpose, don't rob it of that. Entagle yourself from this madness now or I will hardly be able to look you in the eye tomorrow morning.

What, you haven't left yet? Oh... Yes, I can incorporate your "tweaks" into the brief that I asked you to look at in February. No, it's no problem that they're hand written. In colored pencil. See you tomorrow! Oh, yeah-- well, I'm sure we'll "touch base" sometime before you sign off. Enjoy your puppy! No, no-- Thank YoU!

Jerry Lewis vs. Poppa

This could get bad. So, apparently poppa didn't make this up all on his own. Neither did "Uncle Roy" for that matter. After 25 years of assuming this little word trickery was thunk up in the feisty grey matter of my ancestors, I discover - on Wikipedia no less - that it was actually just Jerry Flippin Lewis. Worse yet, the Boy Scouts of American use it on camping trips.

I can sense a temper tantrum* coming from beyond the grave. Oh well, we all get a look at the Wiz eventually. Not my fault!

*While I'm at it, I might as well exorcise all our dirty little secrets... Poppa looked remarkably like Saddam Hussein when they pulled him out of that hole. There, I said it.