oh, the fog

So, yesterday when I finally got into the office after running these letters out to the chairman of our board out by the ol' hortense house, M immediately called me into a meeting. I walked in and the HR intern was there-- which was weird, but she's a really nice girl, so I didn't really care. M them proceeded to explain that because of the budget issues, they were going to lay me off (she stressed not for performance issues at all)... but not now... not in the coming weeks... on June 8th. Two days exactly after this big event I've been planning for the program that's on June 6th. Though she said that they wanted to give me "as much notice as possible," they also really just wanted to try to get me to stay until then. So they offered me a severance package/ aka bait: they are going to give me a week's pay if I stay until June 8th... as M put it, "then it could be a win-win!" ? It was such a bizarre mix of being more professional than I thought they'd be (I was sure they'd be striging me along until a day after the big event) and being incredibly unprofessional (when has a severance package ever been a "win-win" ... really??)

I seriously said nothing the whole meeting aside from asking more details about the severance package. It's not binding or anything-- so I could leave at anytime if I found something and then I just wouldn't get the extra week's pay, a real "win" for hoeppel. but, despite how much I want to find a new job asap and leave her to rot in her own mess over here, if I can't find anything by then-- for sure I will stay around, suck it up, and take the money- duh (and drastically lesser "win"). The urge to want to see her drown in this ship is soooo great. Almost as good a motivator for job searching as actually having confidence about your capabilities, of which I might be able to pretend after this whole ordeal.

Even weirder, she told me I could take the rest of the day off if I liked... considerate. So I got a few things done and went to a meeting that I had arranged and then left. Before I left she hopped into my office and was like, "so, how are you holding up? you doing okay?"

I was so stunned that she would even ask such a stupid question I just looked at her blankly. after bringing me onto a sinking ship and convincing me that "she was confident we'd bring in the funding!" when she knew we were already about 100K behind with no prospects, I am thrown overboard.

"I'm fine." And really happy I'm not retarded like you??

Then again this morning when she sauntered in at 9:40am, "Hieee! So, (concerned eyes) how're you holding up?"

Today, I was more resolute: I looked her square in the face with my cold, disenchanted eyes, and said like one would say an order that they had to repeat forteen times at a crowded deli at lunchtime: "I am fine."

For the benefit of us all and so that we don't need to do this sick dance every morning from now till June 8th: I am fine. I am professional. I say I will do something, I will do it. I am not like her, or this place. This, if anything, she will freakin' understand by the time I leave.
Alrighty, so I'm going to go back to doing work without worry or consequence. It's almost freeing in a way! and in parting, I will leave my horoscope for this week:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I drove through a cloud today. It enveloped theGolden Gate Bridge. When I left the lush green hills of Marin County, theday was sunny. When I arrived in the lush urban mesh of San Francisco,the day was sunny. But in between I crept through thick white haze. Icould barely see, and had to turn on my headlights and slow down. Butthere was no danger. I didn't erupt with anxiety. And in a few minutes Ihad moved through it. Let my experience serve as a metaphor for yourweek, Leo. It's like you've just gotten on a passageway that will take youfrom a soft lushness to a harder lushness, and on the way you'll have tonavigate almost blindly.

Thank you Mr. Bob Brezney, who almost always gives me a few of these really poignant ones when I really, badly need them.